Losing a Loved One - Q&A with School Psychologist Helen Lambos

Written by Brandon Ruse

Experiencing the loss of a loved one is an unavoidable aspect of life, and the subsequent sorrow can be an overwhelming journey, particularly for millennials and Gen Z individuals. The loss of parents and loved ones can have profound and far-reaching effects on individuals. Emotionally, the grief and sorrow that accompany such losses can be overwhelming, triggering a range of emotions including sadness, anger, guilt, and even numbness.

The pain of losing a parent or a loved one can be particularly intense as it often represents the loss of a significant source of love, support, and guidance. It can leave individuals feeling adrift, alone, and unsure of how to navigate life without the presence of their loved ones. The grief process itself is unique to each person, and while it may lessen over time, the impact of such losses can linger, shaping one's perspective on life and influencing future relationships.

Beyond the emotional toll, the loss of parents and loved ones can also have practical and logistical implications. It often requires individuals to take on new roles and responsibilities, such as managing funeral arrangements, handling legal matters, or becoming the primary caregiver for younger siblings. These added burdens can add stress to an already difficult situation, forcing individuals to navigate unfamiliar territory while grappling with their own grief. The absence of parents and loved ones may also leave a void in social connections, disrupting support networks and leading to feelings of isolation.

YMyHealth recently sat down with New York City School Psychologist Helen Lambos, who sadly lost her father in 2016 to dementia that progressed to Alzheimer’s Disease. Helen is currently serving as a caregiver for her mother who was diagnosed 10 years ago with, and is currently suffering from, dementia. Her years of experiences as the primary caregiver for both her parents while in her 20s, 30s, and now early 40s, and balancing her career, has given her great insight into life and loss that she shared with YMyHealth. 

Helen and her dad at a family wedding.

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One

How did you initially cope with the loss of your loved one?

Helen Lambos: The loss I experienced was ongoing for 10 years with my father, until the day he passed away.   

My father was on a feeding tube (as he could no longer swallow), he was constantly getting aspiration pneumonia as he was not always being fed in an upright position, as he should have been.  He was bed bound.  Eventually the immobility and the constant pneumonias led to respiratory failure.  He was in and out of the hospital almost weekly for the last six months of his life. 

I was lucky in a way, because the process of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease is so long, that I was able to spend as much time with him as possible, whereas when a death is quick and unexpected, you often feel like you didn’t get a chance to say things and do things and have that closure.  I felt relief for him because I believe he is in a better place and finally at peace.The loss is still ongoing with my mother. There’s good days and bad days. Some days it’s hard to get out of bed and get motivated, but I know she is counting on me and I push myself for her, because she needs me to be strong for her.  In dealing with the loss of my father, when he passed away, I felt some closure and relief for him.

When you lost your father, did you find it helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a support group? If so, how did their presence and understanding impact your healing journey? 

Helen Lambos: Unfortunately, most support groups are held during the day, when I am working and cannot attend. Sadly, friends and family who have never lived with the disease or experienced it, cannot help other than to listen, when you are grieving the loss as your loved one enters another stage.  

I am fortunate to have very supportive friends who could provide some respite and some advice, perhaps not on the disease but on how to care for myself during the process as well.  When you are a caregiver, it is very difficult but necessary to engage in self-care, and if it weren’t for friends forcing me and reminding me to do that, and making it possible for me to engage in self-care. The mental, emotional, and physical exertion of caregiving is exhausting and draining. 

Helen Lambos, Psy.M

In what ways did technology and social media play a role in your coping process? Were there any online communities or resources that provided support or comfort during this time? 

Helen Lambos: I did not have much time to research any such communities. I did research the disease extensively online, in order to gain some understanding and clarity and to educate myself. Alzheimer’s Association and various other websites were helpful resources, as well as the Department of Aging. 

How to Deal with the Death of a Family Member

Looking back on your experience, what advice or strategies would you recommend to other millennials who may be going through a similar loss? Are there any specific self-care practices, resources, or mindset shifts that you found particularly beneficial? 

Helen Lambos: I learned the hard way, that if you do not take care of yourself, you are useless and cannot take care of the ones that are relying on you.  I hardly slept, I worked and came home and took care of my parents without a break, until I got sick.  

I considered quitting my job, but it’s the only thing that I had for myself and it was my friends who always reminded me that one day, when my parents are no longer alive, I will have nothing for myself, and they would not let me quit my job. Then I realized what my friends were saying all along, and hired an aid to help out in the house.  

Finding an aid, that is the right fit, was in itself a challenge and full-time job and very costly, so I put it off for as long as possible. 

When dealing with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease specifically, it is important to understand the disease, and to face and overcome denial of the disease, because in its beginning stages, the person does not appear ill. It’s also important to not argue with the person as the disease progresses, confusion sets in, and their memory begins to fail; to spend as much quality time with them as possible, and to really cherish every moment you have with them, because time goes fast and cannot be reversed.  

I recommend speaking to an elder care attorney, and ensuring your loved ones wishes are discussed and documented, that way you can execute and respect their wishes, rather than making difficult decisions yourself.  Ensure a health care proxy is identified.   

What were a few (if any) of the effects you have felt since losing your father and during the process of caring for your mother?

Helen Lambos: My father passed away in 2016, 10 years after first being diagnosed with dementia.  He was on a feeding tube (as he could no longer swallow), he was constantly getting aspiration pneumonia as he was not always being fed in an upright position, as he should have been.  He was bed bound.  Eventually the immobility and the constant pneumonias led to respiratory failure.  He was in and out of the hospital, almost weekly for the last six months of his life. 

Helen with her dad.

What did you find made it uniquely challenging to lose a loved one when you were at such a young age in your 30s? 

Helen Lambos: I cared for my father from my mid-twenties, until my mid-thirties when he passed away.  At one point my father and mother’s care overlapped, since his passing, I have continued to care for my mother, from my mid-thirties to my early forties.  

My parents were older parents, so I was put in a position of taking care of them earlier in life than most people would need to care for their parents. My father was in his 70s, and my mother in her 60s. So, in my twenties, when my friends wanted to go out and hang out, I couldn’t always be available, especially as things got harder.  

Being that I didn’t go out much, I hardly had time to date or meet anyone, because as with anything in the beginning, it takes time to get to know another person, spend time together, go out, and to do things. Time is not something I had, not working full time and caring for my parents full time.  

When my father passed, it actually gave me a little more time to do things because now I was only caring for my mother, and she was in the earlier stages of the disease and  still mobile. So, I enrolled her in a day program and kept her busy, keeping her mind engaged and active. 

Why do you think it is more difficult (or not) to lose a loved one when you are in your 20s, 30s, or 40s, as opposed to being in a later stage in life in your 50s and beyond? 

Helen Lambos: Being younger when my parents got sick, and my father passed away, meant I missed out on a lot of things I would have been doing at that age, but it meant having the energy to take care of them and give them the best care I could. Although you could hire care (which is costly), it is never the same as the care you would provide to your own parent or loved one.  

I often say I don’t know how I would’ve done it if I were older; or if my mother had gotten sick before my dad; almost like having kids, I’d gather.  

My father was very active, he’d wander and leave the house at all hours of the night.  He needed constant supervision. My mother is very different. I had more energy because I was younger when my father was sick (and I needed it for him). I believe things happened in the order they did because I would not be able to handle it now. There is a tradeoff and everything happens for a reason.

Moving Forward

Moving forward after the loss of a loved one is a challenging journey for millennials and individuals who have experienced such a loss like Lambos has. 

Healing takes time and self-compassion. Seeking support from friends, family, or online communities can provide comfort. Engaging in self-care practices and finding outlets for emotional expression contribute to the healing process. Understanding the practical implications and seeking professional guidance help navigate challenges. 

Moving forward, strength can be found in cherishing memories, honoring legacies, and embracing growth. The path forward involves finding new meaning in life and building resilience. Though difficult, this journey offers an opportunity for millennials and those who have lost loved ones to heal, grow, and ultimately find a renewed sense of purpose and joy.

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